Productive Unproductivity

Initially, I set up this blog as a means of forcing myself to put some effort into writing, a skill that has degraded substantially since college. In the proceeding months since I registered the domain and purchased the server space, I uploaded a single, low-effort post that is mostly blockquote.

Whenever I would sit down to write, my brain gushes out thoughts like a fountain, and my fingers can barely keep up. But inevitably, something will nag at me, and I will try to fix it.

I set up NeoVim on my Linux machine so I could dedicate the editor to writing markdown entries. I downloaded plugins and edited the configuration script for several hours, smashing my head against the wall and overloading Google’s servers with search queries of every single error message I received. After a lot of pain and frustration, I got NeoVim configured the way I want it (for now).

It had to be perfect, or else I couldn’t write.

If I’m being honest with myself, that constant fiddling with my text editor was just a means of assuaging the anxiety that comes with writing. When you write and put it out there for the public to view, you open yourself up with criticism and ridicule. You allow your ideas to be interpreted by others, maybe in ways you didn’t intend. You say, “Well, maybe if you were a better writer, the reader won’t come away with those wayward interpretations.” But I don’t think that’s true. Even the best writers can’t control how others see their work. People still argue about what the ancients actually meant over the millennia.

That’s a cop-out, I know. Complete agreement and understanding are impossible standards to aspire to because they do not exist. It’s like being taken in by a cute, smiling chimp at a zoo. He waves his arms around, makes his chimp noises, and swings from branch to branch. We think we know about the emotional state of that chimp, but for all we know, his screams and gesticulations could be his way of displaying total despair and sheer terror. I am that chimp.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t try for something more modest. If not agreement or understanding, maybe a good point or two.

But you know what, I just noticed something about my text editor that’s bothering me. I can’t seem to move up or down, line by line, with the cursor. It only seems to be moving from paragraph to paragraph. I’ll need to fix that before I can blog again.